Urrrgggghhhh

I didn't blog yesterday mainly because I didn't feel like it. I know I should have because my main reason for not doing it was the gain. I didn't want to have to post yet another gain of weight on here. When I weighed myself yesterday I was at 199.0, up from 198.6 the day before. Now today I am 198.2. I can't even get excited for the losses (.8 lbs from yesterday) because I am just going to go right back to 199ish. I am so sick of this teetering back and forth. It is absolutely ridiculous that I am not breaking that 198 threshold. I should be losing weight, there is no reason for not doing it. I suppose this week I can blame it on Aunt Flo (no, not my mom's sister Flo). I really don't want to blame it on anything though - I just want to lose weight and I am doing the right things to make that happen. I kind of had a food meltdown yesterday and went over calories, but did so reasonably. I had a fiber bar and banana for breakfast, about 1/2 c chili, some baked flat bread chips and homemade guac for lunch, then I broke. As I was walking back to my desk after filling up my water bottle I saw them - those damn girl scout cookies. I saw there was an almost empty box so I ate 5 cookies - they were soooooooooo good, but there went 350 calories. Since I felt like crap and did not feel like cooking we got panera (broc cheddar soup/turkey sandwich/baguette) and I had an ice cream sandwich. Total calories for the day was 1775. Not the end of the world, actually, that is a pretty decent "maintaining" day for me. I am not too upset with myself even though I know I shouldn't have had those cookies. I needed the chocolate though. So I had a much better day today. I had a banana and yogurt for breakfast, chili and an apple for lunch and will have taco salad w/flat bread chips and guac for dinner and an ice cream sandwich for dessert. That will bring me in at 1070 which will help make up for yesterday. I am getting on the treadmill tonight for a minimum of 30 minutes and on the weight bench for 15 minutes - no excuses.

You know, as I was walk to the bathroom for, oh, the 57th time today, I thought of something. I don't understand how I can obtain an associates degree (with honors) and a bachelors degree (summa cum laude even) while holding down a full time job (and not an easy one) have a part time job for some of that time, buy a house and plan a wedding all within 3 years and all at the same time but yet I can't lose weight. I know, I know, I need to give it more time, but two weeks should be enough time for my system to say "hey, she's eating healthy and low calories and exercising, I guess we should respond by dropping some of this fat." Even though I posted a 1.6 lb loss for last week, it really wasn't a truthful 1.6 lb loss. I did really weigh 200.2 the week before, but earlier that week I had been down to the low 199's. So, while Monday to Monday was a 1.6 lb loss, there was a 1.2 lb gain right before that. So basically in two weeks I have lost maybe a pound, but even that doesn't stay. At what point do I just say screw it and tell myself I am meant to be fat and just live with it?

Ok, I am done with the whining (mmm, wine) and self pity for today. On a positive note, I have been keeping to my resolutions for the past two days, though I was so close to pulling into Taco Bell yesterday. I really wanted a cheesy double beef burrito, but I didn't, I drove by and had my Panera instead. I think this convertible might be a bad thing. Every restaurant I drove by smelled so good. When I was going to get the Panera I had to drive by Golden Corral and oh, that steak smelled wonderful! Okay, enough food talk, I am making myself hungry and I have a while to go before I eat again. Until next time...